My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
