My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
