I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
