somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sorry about my life...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
