So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
3 2 1 whiskey
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize