FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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