false alarm. still invincible.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
