if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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