Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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