I want to have your abortion
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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