I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
