Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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