apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
