This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
