just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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