Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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