When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
