well I can't set my house on fire every night
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
