is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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