the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
