Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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