At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
