I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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