if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
