If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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