Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
why do cheetos always look like penises
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
