god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
