he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
