i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My legs feel like baby dolphins
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
