it wasn't lemon gatorade
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize