I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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