i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
