there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize