____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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