You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
