My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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