Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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