I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize