Just fell off a train. Bad.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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