i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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