May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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