Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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