We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
