At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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