we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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