I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
