The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
