I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
