My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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