So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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