Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
id be glad to
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
