Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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