She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have tasted many bathrooms
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
