Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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