I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
