My underwear smells like fireworks.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
