Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
