I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
