I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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